Scared.

I've started this blog about three times trying to collect my thoughts in order for it to have some semblance of coherence.  I apologize in advance if my thoughts seem disjointed and scattered.  Emotions have been a topic of conversation over the last few weeks among my friends. I think it's part and parcel with where we all are in our lives at this point but for some reason it keeps coming back up so I think it's time to air it out a bit...

e·mo·tion (noun) :  A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling.

Love is obviously an emotion.  Some might argue the most powerful and universal of all of them, but I think what we tend to, pardon the pun, romanticize is the operative term "spontaneous" when it comes to understanding the true nature of love.  In random conversations about this, I recently had an epiphany and as a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, the following sentence is quite possibly one of the more jarring revelations I've had to date...

...promising to love someone forever is futile.

Just reading those words feels like glass in my eyes, but after further contemplation it led to a rather interesting theory.  Lets consider the very complicated concept of commitment as it applies to emotion.  I submit that committing to an emotion makes no sense.  Don't believe me?  Let's for the purpose of argument, replace the word "love" with another very recognizable emotion: Fear.

So, the previously romantic proclamation would thus read:
"My dear, I promise that I will be scared of you forever."

It doesn't even sound logical.  The reason that is, is because there are a number of factors that are obvious when it comes to inducing fear.  However, eventually if all things remain constant, fear just starts to fade.  There's a level of desensitization involved and a level of understanding what you're actually afraid of that eventually pushes things towards the mundane.  Thus, one shouldn't make that promise.  I'm not promising that I'm going to be scared of you forever, I'm promising that I want to be.  I'm promising that I will work on it, constantly... and if you continue to be scary and want to scare me, I promise to be receptive. I promise to think of new ways to scare you, and that I will try and be the scariest person I can be to you and if for some reason, what I'm doing doesn't scare you anymore, we'll figure out what did, does, and will.

“If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation.” ~Madeleine L'Engle 

Love (noun) is a feeling, love (verb) is a choice. I feel this is a powerful distinction. Love isn't automatic, it takes work, it takes constant visitation, mutual reciprocation, foolish risks, and deep patience. Ironically, as much as we're all searching for it, love is an emotion that I feel we don't treat this way. We tend to look upon it as something that can be attained; focusing too much on it as something that just happens to us and not as something that we do. Acting as if once we've reached the destination, the journey should end. Which, for people who think this way, it often does... typically as abruptly as it started. What one needs to do is not commit to the spontaneous reaction, the uncontrollable feeling that comes over you, the emotion itself; but rather the person that makes you feel this way. This commitment is what love is.

... I think?

I suppose the challenge still lies in finding a person worthy of such efforts... which is something different all together.

“...the truth about forever is that it is happening right now” 

Expectations.

Life is about managing expectations.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope

... this is easier said that done.  It's within our nature to have expectations.  I'd imagine that part of our advancement as a species stems from developing predictive cognitive abilities and being able to draw conclusions without having to actually experience them in real time.  However, it's not too far reaching to understand the concept that expectations are the root of disappointment.

All too often, the problem isn't having personal expectations but rather the imposition of expectations onto others.  Judging them by an unseen and unknown list of standards...and that's fundamentally unfair.  This is simply setting people up to let you down which leads to disappointment and ultimately will fester into resentment.  We're in an age where communication lines are so abundant and instantaneous that we've really lost sight of it's value, and like anything that comes too easily, we take it granted.

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ~Anais Nin

We have a tendency to see things through "me" colored lenses.  It's exceedingly difficult to assess a situation objectively and see it for what it is without having that personal bias.  I'm not even necessarily saying that one should, but for the purpose of this stream of consciousness I'm standing by my theory that for peace and happiness in life, one must learn to approach the situation not only on a personally, but universally as well.  It's paramount that we understand that we're each fighting our own battles and that one can certainly not presume to have walked a mile in another's shoes.  However long it took us to develop these habits and perspectives; wouldn't it stand to reason that it would take equally as long to change them?

... or don't need.

It's times like these when I find it necessary to internalize. Sometimes, the mere act of looking inward to find out if the questions you have are rhetorical will reveal profound epiphany. Oftentimes the questions you ask are left unanswered only because you don't want to hear the answer. Why do we have this intrinsic need to be right? To have everyone involved understand your side of the story but yet have such little motivation to understand the situation as a whole. We're so damn solipsistic. The truth will always reveal itself, so there's no need to fret, there's nothing you can do to change it anyway.

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” ~Buddha

Truth is unbiased, unemotional, it cares not who you are, who you were, or who you will be. Truth is the everlasting constant. How you choose to react to it is just that... a choice.

choose wisely.

Hope.

hope (noun, verb) : The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best

There are few things in this world quite as wonderful and simultaneously terrible as hope. Hope is what drives many of us to do better each day. It's what keeps us motivated to persevere through the rougher times and is sometimes our only light in the dark.

Yet at times, hope is what keeps us hanging on to false pretense. Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel ... is a fucking train.

I digress, this weekend, I went to watch a movie centered around a man dressed like a certain flying rodent. In the film, the antagonist had a very powerful line:

“There cannot be true despair, without hope...”

This notion has stuck with me, for days after and continues to rattle around in my brain ... perhaps it's the yin and yang of it all that appeals to my more Asian sensibilities; perhaps it's just the profound concept that sometimes, it really is darkest just before it goes pitch black. Either way, I can't seem to stop hearing it echo in my mind. What does it mean?  

“Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

However, I've never been a good pessimist... quite the opposite in fact. What I garnered from this otherwise villainous sentiment is that though hope might be what makes despair absolutely torturous, it stands to reason that a little bit of despair in life is what reminds you of times when hope is absolutely necessary.  Challenge is what makes us who we are, and the ability to endure is what separates the wheat from the chaff.  In order for us to learn courage, we must be put in a situation that requires it... to learn patience, be denied something that you want.  People will do the right thing, and perhaps the world isn't just full of pain; merely people all going through similar trials and tribulations ultimately trying to soldier through and the pain... is just the aftermath... of growth. I'd like to believe that.

Each day, you read in the news about some horrific injustice... about someone who is unable to deal with life and ends up making terrible decisions... including the most terrible, and conclusive. If only these people were able to find hope amidst their despair.

True, hope can be misleading, uncertain, and will sometimes let you down... 

well I say... 

...let it.

 

If you can, embrace despair as it will make you stronger.  For it is only when you accept disappointment, that you can truly be thankful for what you've received.

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. ” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

...make sure your friends know that you care about them, often. Don't be frightened of weakness but rather seek it out and bolster it with confidence and eradicate it with truth.  Read between the lines...

Don't hesitate to ask what's wrong if you even begin to suspect that something is. You may be the hope they're looking for... you could be the rope that they need to save them, or the light to brighten their darkness.

... and if that's the case, I hope that I am strong enough to be.

long talks in the breeze.

“If you want to say something 
and have people listen 
then you have to wear a mask.
If you want to be honest 
then you have to live a lie.”
~ Banksy

 I recently had the opportunity to see a tremendous film, Exit Through the Gift Shop directed by the elusive yet renowned graffiti artist known only as Banksy.  If you've never seen any of his work, do yourself a favor and look them up.  I challenge anyone not to be moved by his controversial, thought provoking and simply beautiful pieces.  But I digress ... 

The film gave way to a rather interesting discussion about art and it's consequently it's interpretation.  The direction of this discussion falls heavily on how one defines "art."

The dictionary defines it as such:

art : (ärt) n.

1. Human effort to imitate, supplement, alter, or counteract the work of nature.

2. The conscious production or arrangement of sounds, colors, forms, movements, or other elements in a manner that affects the sense of beauty, specifically the production of the beautiful in a graphic or plastic medium.

It's interesting as to how the creation of art is such a freeing experience, yet simultaneously draws such powerful emotions and opinions that sometimes it actually constricts the artists themselves.  I suppose it's like Pandora's Box ... one cannot open up a pool of emotions and expect only the good ones to come flooding out.

I leave you with this story ...

Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a great and glorious nation. Favorite amongst his subjects was the court painter of whom he was very proud. Everybody agreed this wizened old man painted the greatest pictures in the whole kingdom and the king would spend hours each day gazing at them in wonder.

However, one day a dirty and disheveled stranger presented himself at the court claiming that in fact he was the greatest painter in the land. The indignant king decreed a competition would be held between the two artists, confident it would teach the vagabond an embarrassing lesson. Within a month they were both to produce a masterpiece that would out do the other. After thirty days of working feverishly day and night, both artists were ready. They placed their paintings, each hidden by a cloth, on easels in the great hall of the castle. As a large crowd gathered, the king ordered the cloth be pulled first from the court artist’s easel...

Everyone gasped as before them was revealed a wonderful oil painting of a table set with a feast. At its center was an ornate bowl full of exotic fruits glistening moistly in the dawn light. As the crowd gazed admiringly, a sparrow perched high up on the rafters of the hall swooped down and hungrily tried to snatch one of the grapes from the painted bowl only to hit the canvas and fall down dead with shock at the feet of the king.  

“Aha!” exclaimed the king. “My artist has produced a painting so wonderful it has fooled nature herself, surely you must agree that he is the greatest painter who ever lived!” 

But the vagabond said nothing and stared solemnly at his feet.  

“Now, pull the blanket from your painting and let us see what you have for us,” cried the king. 

But the tramp remained motionless and said nothing. Growing impatient, the king stepped forward and reached out to grab the blanket only to freeze in horror at the last moment.

“You see,” said the tramp quietly, “there is no blanket covering the painting. This is actually just a painting of a cloth covering a painting. And whereas your famous artist is content to fool nature, I’ve made the king of the whole country look like a clueless little twat."

  ~ Banksy

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime ...

 

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author - Unknown

different.

“You wake up but not really. In the bedroom you grew up in. It's the only place on this entire planet that is yours. The only place on the planet that understands you. It understands the way your nerves flare everytime you think about talking to anyone, scared into shyness at the thought of opening your mouth but the way you are the best hypocrite around when you're in front of a microphone. It knows what turns that switch on and off and on again. It understands the way when you don't have a smile on your face everyone only spits: 'what's wrong's and 'you look tired's. So the way you keep it on your face just wide enough to avoid questions. It understands how neurotic you have become, the way you treat your flaws like old friends.” 

~ Peter Wentz

I've always embraced being an anomaly.  It was never an issue for me.  In fact I rather enjoyed it.  I have always had a lucid understanding that my upbringing was certainly not what most would consider the "standard childhood."  This however has never been a crutch.  It has never been an excuse to treat people without respect. Certainly never a justification to act as though anything that happened to me in the past somehow gave me the right to be maladjusted as an adult.  Despite all this, I've historically had a rather utopian view on life, but life seems determined to break it.  Especially recently, my departure from the norm has become grossly evident.   The world isn't the happy-go-lucky place that exists in my mind.  People aren't necessarily as kind and considerate as I wish they were, and not everyone is deserving of your time and friendship.  It is a perilous place for one to wear one's heart on their sleeve and blind trust tends to end more often in heartbreak than in bliss. 

So does one lose hope?

... of course not.  You just become a little more cautious, a little more wary ... and hope that the next experience is a little more gentle than the last.

Live and Learn.

no need to explain.

“Action expresses priorities.” 

~ Mahatma Gandhi

I had a conversation with a close friend of mine the other night about priorities.  What I realized is that quite often, it's exceedingly difficult to express to someone the priorities in your life.  I don't think it's necessarily because we're unable to articulate what they are.  I think it's because oftentimes, the reality of the situation is that the person you're talking to just didn't make that priority list.  That doesn't necessarily have a negative connotation either, it's just sincere.  I would venture to say that the vast majority of the time the reason why this is even an issue in the first place is because we are aware of the feelings that are affected by our words and our actions.  The problem lies in the fact that this just delays the inevitable and in this case; time doesn't make matters better.

“Prefer a loss to a dishonest gain;
the one brings pain at the moment, the other for all time.”
~ Chilon

The concept that I think that so many people struggle with is more a question of intrinsic honesty.  We tend to not realize that that the slightest bit of introspection will ultimately set you free.  How you feel, is how you feel.  We don't control this.  Try as we might, all we can do is react to how we feel, which seldom changes what we feel.  First and foremost, be honest with yourself and try to get to a place where you no longer need to apologize for the truth.  The truth never warrants an apology... perhaps an explanation, but never an apology.  If there's collateral damage, so be it.  It was never said that life would be effortless, only that it was precious.

I'm uncertain as to why this is so difficult.  Maybe we're just too embarrassed to reveal too much of ourselves as our flaws become so evident in the light.  Past hurts might still be too fresh to ignore.  The wounds a reminder of a more painful time.  I guess the first step is to recognize that this is universal.  There is nothing new under the sun.  This isn't anomalous.  Speak always the truth and you never have to whisper.  Human nature simply perpetuates certain proclivities, and the sooner we grasp this, the sooner we get to a place of happiness and freedom.