mind games.

My mind's playing tricks on me ...

Sometimes it feels like I'm just playing one drawn out mind game with myself.  A incredibly detailed yet absolutely imaginary role play with and about the people in my life,  I can't seem to stop it.  

It is as if my mind is stuck in an infinite loop.  Constantly rehashing and revisiting the same scenario a thousand different ways.  I am what you would call the quintessential "over-thinker."

Should I do this?    Should I say that?   What should I say?           

What are the consequences?      Why did this happen?       Do I deserve this?

 Why does it even matter?      

        What really matters?  

Maybe this is one cause for my insomnia...

... I am getting back to the days of innocence and positivity when I would close my eyes and think about all ways for me to accomplish the things I want to do... prepare for what I am about to do... or even imagine the fantastic things I wish I could do ... as opposed to justifying reasons for things I didn't have the courage to do, didn't make the time to do, or felt foolish even wishing I did.  I just wish I wasn't so damn good at that game.

This is the book I never read

These are the words I never said

This is the path I'll never tread

These are the dreams I'll dream instead

These are the tears, The tears we shed

This is the fear, This is the dread

These are the contents of my head

Excerpt from "Why" by Annie Lennox

I'm tired.  Let's play a new game ...

why are you trembling?

 

 “Let us a little permit Nature to take her own way;
she better understands her own affairs than we.” 
~ Michel de Montaigne

Last night an earthquake hit off the coast of Okinawa ... this morning, 8.8 directly off the coast of Chile ...

My thoughts go out to those affected... and those soon to be.

Gaia, why are you trembling?

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood ...

It's gorgeous outside.  Nary a cloud in the sky (at least around my 'hood), the weather is brisk and just borderline chilly, the sun is shining, all in all simply amazing.

... which made me think about Mr. Rogers. (welcome to my brain...)

I remember reading somewhere that Mr. Rogers was a marine scout sniper.  Bollucks certainly, but it makes me wonder why that rumor was even started?  Can there not be a single genuine, altruistic symbol out in the media?  Have we gotten so jaded that we must reject the notion that this character, this persona was truly benevolent and therby fabricate a more violent, flawed and by that rational a more "believable" back story?  The answer is probably and unfortunately yes.  Misery loves company.  The new species of hater is stronger than ever.  Gone is a time when you saw someone who you admired or at the very least superficially envied and thought to yourself, "wow, I want that.  How can I get myself there?"  Now it's "Screw that guy, this isn't fair."

phuque that.

“Fate is for those too weak to determine their own destiny.”

Shake them haters off, get out there and change what you don't like about your life... and if what you do doesn't necessarily coincide with the accepted social norm, you're probably on the right track.

Here's something to marinate on, from one of my favorites:

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize

half of them, are stupider than that.” ~ George Carlin

... maybe it's good not being quite so "normal."

in the still of the night ...

 

In thirty years of life, i think I've only really looked at the stars maybe ten times.  I suppose some of it could be blamed on environment.  Growing up in the Houston, the opportunity just wasn't there.  The pollution, the bright lights, one would be lucky to see sirius, much less a full constellation. Then again, I doubt i would survive in the countryside.

...but i digress.

I sat out on my balcony this morning, shivering out in the cold, the icy wind stinging as it bites my cheeks just staring out at the cityscape. True, it saddened me that i couldn't see the stars but I must say, the night still gives me a sense of peace.  I suppose this is why i like this time of night, while the rest of the world sleeps, in the silence i can finally hear myself think.  Now whether that is necessarily a good thing has yet to be determined ...

   

gnōthi seauton

... and so it begins.

Maybe it was the random snow storm that fell this morning, or the late night inspirational conversation ... but i woke this morning with a feeling that has been long lost. Freedom from a mental export embargo. A renaissance of self reflection. The intrinsic need to let loose the thoughts that have so long been left ricocheting in my brain. Perhaps this is the medium...